MADDISTON F.C.
PLAYER PROFILES:-
Ginger:
The Gazelle,
bounds up and down, up and down, up and down since he got a burd. On the football field has the engine
of a V8 sports car and so can be up and down despite his recent swine flu scare! Nice laddie, will do anything for
you, especially sourcing spare parts for cars with his staff discount
but as mad as a hatter. Recently enjoyed his testimonial during the preseason
matches as this is about his 15th year with Maddiston, as we said mad as a
hatter!
Burton:
Vain, so vain in fact that he has had
plastic surgery to enhance his looks. Not that it has done much enhancing to be
honest. As fast as a sloth, has the turning circle of a double decker bus but
always gives 100% so we cant argue. No talking about football there, the 100%
is 100% cheek he gives to everyone. Now that the nose is fixed, lets get
working on the gut. P.S. He makes pies!!!!
Update: back again to play although spending more time and money on buckfast than he would care for!
Thomas Ainslie:
Mohegan wearing,
big toed, karaoke singing numpty. After several years of hard training and
constant reassurance from his peers we are proud to announce that Tam has just
gained his black belt in karaoke. In face all the family are at it so catch the
family Ainslie at an Ainslieoke near you. Can be seen throughout the central
region at birthday parties, wedding, private functions and bar mitzvah’s.
Always puking at training and disagreeing every time he gets subbed. Team would
not be the same without him and every team should have a Tommy Ainslie. Anybody
wanting ours?? To see him in action click
HERE!
Update: Now we know where he got the hair style! Soon to be a dad, god help the world, son or daughter of Ainslie coming soon...
Richie Shanks:
Only
foreign player in the squad. One of the oldest players in the
league, English, drives a BMW, has a beautiful big house, his better half is ten
years younger, so if any of the opposing team want to kick him, please feel
free. Oh and that goes for our team as well. Never passes, but does score when
given the chance and the fact that he has started coming to training suppresses
our desire to complain, for the moment. Never stops squealing for a pass, listen
to the sound on this video
as he begs for another tap in
Update: Recently a father again for the second time, lets see if that slows him down this year! Oh and he still isn't allowed to drive his new car to football!
Jamie Mckay:
Well
we are not sure he even plays any more, he has had more serious knee injuries
than John Kennedy and still insists he is coming back soon! Also the belly seems
to get bigger every time he appears!
Craig Sharp:
Sharpy, as his friends like to call him, sorry his only friend, Caca. Small in stature but another one that will argue that it was nothing to do with the 40 fags a day he smokes. Another player that gives everything he’s got and has scored some important goals for maddiston, mind you some of them Stevie Wonder, blindfolded, wearing ear muffs and welly boots would have scored.
Has been living the highlife lately although the fact that some of his antics have lately come to the attention of the boys in blue may slow him down!
David Fowler:
After a an excellent first season Davie has
had a lot of injury problems which kept him out most of last year, this boy is
seriously chocolate! Not been seen much so far this season as following his
wedding he has picked up a mysterious groin injury.... Davie by a tv and get
back to training!
Mark Fowler:
After
recently retiring from the hectic world of professional entertainment wrestling
in the World Wrestling Experience Mark ‘the undertaker’ Fowler is trying his
hand at premier league Amateur football. Not sure what he gets up to at the
weekend or even during the week but seems to always on call, always smartly
dressed, he’s tall, dark and almost handsome and seems to ALWAYS have a groin
strain. Is he Maddistons first Male Escort, a bona fide Male Gigolo, ladies get
in touch through the web site for bookings, the club is on commission.
Out injured after a back operation and hoping to return this season at some point to show the form he displayed before the opp! Think it's a competition between him and his brother to see who can be injured the most!
Jose Roberto Sanchez:
After finding Hose B living rough in near the 5th green, that’s the
old 7th for all you Maddiston golfers, living off worms, slugs and
the occasional rabbit and dog, the Spaniard is fitting into the Scottish way of
life no bad, he can now order a Spicy Haggis Supper. From what we can
gather he broke into the back of a lorry a few years ago near the Spanish /
French border then ate cardboard and drank brake fluid to survive the long
journey back. His English is coming along and he can string a sentence of
some sorts together but being the kind club we are, one of the committee took
Spanish lessons to make sure he understood what we were asking of him on the
park. Now settled as an illegal immigrant and reaping the rewards of the
generous UK benefit system! Here follows an open letter to
the Home Secretary “Dear
Jacqui Smith, please
get in touch to deport this man, we believe he is the son of Carlos the Jackal.
PS, is there a cash reward, the showers could do with a lick of paint?”
Update: now
fluent in English & master of the UK benefits system!
Derek Walker:
The
wannybe a weegie when he gets older of the team. He has one of those
Cumbernauld type Kilsyth accents that sound likes a goose farting in the fog
after it been hit in the nuts - thank god the rest of the team talk proper
chookter. For some unknown reason than unto himself in his first year at the
club he put his name forward to organise the xmas night out, talk about a poison
challace, trying to keep a team of eejits happy and get them all from A to B at
the same time when blootered, if the commitee find it hard to get the team there
on a Saturday what chance does this man have. Always talking, talking, talking
but unlike alot of the other players actually keeps talking when the game
starts. Good reader of the game and communicator to the guy in front off him,
well he has the turning circle of an arctic lorry and the change of pace of a
sloth so he needs all the help he can get from the guys in front of him. Also a
bit of a media celebrity after an appearance in the what not to wear
section of the Sunday Mail.
update: Nope sorry still can't understand him!
Stuart Moodie:
A Maddiston man born and bread but jez has this boy done good for himself. He has a job, a wife, a house, a car, a baby, a dog and his own teeth and hair. One of the originals we thinks along with a select few who played in the under 18's and 21's way back when Noah was still building his boa
Update: Has a rather lager jeep which has led to him taking up stock car racing and unfortunately didn't warn his team mates that as a warm down they would need to shove it round the car park to give him a bump start!
Peter "Medium Top" Gilchrist:
aka Stinky Pete! The new improved version comes in a slightly large size with slower reactions and even tighter fitting t shirt! But lets not knock him another Maddiston man born and bread who gives his all on a Saturday and has taken on the role of players rep so they have someone else to moan at other than the management!
Constantly on call or driving all over the place to fix something or other, spends time trying to keep kids and Kirsty happy, no easy feat!
Kevin Gavin:
Yes
i know you noticed it as well, this man has two first names as his name, that's
like calling your Dog - Doug. Shout it out it sounds quite weird "KEVIN"
"GAVIN" "DOG" DOUG" "KEVIN" "GAVIN" "DOG" DOUG" canny believe you actually done
that. Arse - anyway ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls meet the new Gillette
Mach 3 test bed. Look at that sheen there, you will be even more impressed when
we tell ya that the profile picture was actually taken at night and all the
light you see there is the reflection of a high power torch being shown on that
napper. Tries his hardest every time at training and always gives 100% when asked
to play on a Saturday, played out of position a few times to and never
complained. In fact he tries so hard at training one night he tried to shoulder
charge the dividing walls at the Bo'ness astro, complete nut job am sure when he
shakes his head you can hear the nuts and bolts jingle.
Update: Recently married although no signs of any sense yet!
Ross Cowan:
A popular member of the
team who has returned after a season of getting found out at Junior level! Ross enjoys being hairy and likes nothing more
than eating the toe-nails of some old monks from Devon. Runs a kids football
team where the rules are definitely do as I say and not as I do. As his boys
will testify he breaks all his own rules almost instantly when he takes the
football field. Oh and by the way, never say at least you passed the ball this
time, apparently it puts him of his game. Cock. A great player but sometimes
gets caught up in his own hype and as Jim Mclean would describe him "If he was
half as good as he thought he was, he would be Zidane". A successful
business man too, which is just as well as he will need to cover the fines for
dissent, god he can moan!
Lyall Didcock:
Sheepshagger! only kdding Lyall, good to have you back and looking slightly leaner and meaner too! returned from a season "on loan" playing at the lower levels and hungry to impress! Still supports Aberdeen but perhaps time may heal him!
Robbie McCallum:
Well Robbie where do we start?, one of Maddistons newest players and already a legend in the dressing room although perhaps not for his on park performances! Never has a man been with a team for such a short period and made such a dramatic impact! First away Scottish cup tie (in St Andrews) and he enjoys one too many Vodkas poured by the treasurer Eck and upon returning to the sponsors pub after a short bus journey home promptly passes out! An ambulance was called and the next thing he remembers is waking up in Stirling Royal minus a shoe! Also to their credit I should add that his new team mates saw him off in the ambulance and then carried on with their drinking without so much as a second thought, oh no sorry that's not true Stinky Pete shed a couple of tears before being told to get a grip of himself!
Also recently finished training and called for his team mates to help him as he couldn't get the car to open, only to realise that he was trying to unlock a ford fiesta parked next to his Citreon saxo?????
Has made a good start with Maddiston with some excellent performances and we promise to take care of you on the next away trip......
David Gray:
No it's not that one, he can't sing! Davie is the model pro, smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and throws up at training almost as often as Tam Ainslie!
Davie joined the team with a bang a couple of years ago, quite literally as he drove into his team mates car on route to an away game! Davie has now settled down with the misses and young daughter and has now established himself as part of the squad, would run through a brick wall for Maddiston!
Chris Mulholand:
New man in goals this season to try and fill the gap previously vacated by Coco. a quiet man in the dressing room, but a big presence in the goals and has made a solid start to the season with some excellent displays!
THE MANAGEMENT:
John Marrs:
Well what can we say about this man??? Maddistons answer to Vladimir Romanaov, first he bought the team, then he sacked the manager, then brought in a load of foreigners (well boys from the redding & Westquarter) and now he even tried picknig the team team too..... But lets be honest if it wasn't for him there wouldn't be a team playing at the welfare park! You can't live him and you can't live without him, god knows we have tried! He is moody, crabbit, always slavers pish and has spat the dummy so often mother care are thinking of sponsoring him! He has also threatened to quit more times the Steve Redgrave!
Oh and do not mention the iphone which was smashed during his last team talk before he finally hung up his duffle coat!
Ewan Stewart:
5
foot of fun, has one and a half lungs, was born in the Middle East so if he
starts ticking next to you or asks you to hold his belt, RUN! Now semi
retired from playing to concentrate on picking the team as Johnny finally spat
the dummy once too many times! Again fits the description of old crabbit and
grumpy, only outdone by the Johnny himself!
Alexander Arneil:
Better
known as Wee Eck! Another
legend in the dressing room and without him the place would not be the same! How can we sum him up well.... wee, round and abusive
would do for starters! Although to be fair he has been the most successful
person ever at getting money from Maddiston players in history, even if he does
ask you for £4 as your naked and headed for the shower! There is nothing more to
the point that Eck's welcome as each player arrives for a match, the
conversation goes as follows:
Player: Awright Eck!
Eck: £4
Player: ehhh, i've left my wallet in the car
Eck: Fuckup £4!!!!!
Eck: DICK!!!!
end of conversation!
